My first experience of Holotropic Breathwork

  • Yulia Meshoyrer • April 2, 2022 • 5 min read


Drumming loud. Here I am.

Early morning. Folder SPAM.

Little girl is going crazy,

Writer writes about dancing

In the Wild…

“The darkness was complete. Nothing existed in it, neither time, nor direction, nor distance. And in this absolute void just a tiny particle of consciousness, without a physical shell, but conscious of itself, carried at a terrifying speed. Down? So, it could be said if this dimension had a bottom. The disheveled "I" that was rapidly rushing to nowhere, experiencing terrible torment of free fall, bound by fear and awareness of complete hopelessness of the situation. It was strange that in the absence of a body, the entire spectrum of ordinary human emotions and sensations was not lost, and a burning and slippery lump of cosmic horror and hopelessness got closer and closer to a non-existent throat. The situation also seemed hopeless because there was nothing that could stop this senseless fall. There was no hope either. And it went on indefinitely.

At some point, through the veil of oblivion, it began to seem that there was something else in this void. It took a lot of effort and concentration to see this - a hand in a white glove, carried at the same speed as me. The hand was open, and this hand was my only chance of salvation. But how could you cling to it if there was no physical body? Now my whole essence has been turned to this palm. I made attempts and, in powerlessness, retreated from what I intended, afraid of losing the last glimmer of conscious thought. Finally, I managed to reach it. And... I woke up. All wet from tears. And the body was still shaken by silent sobs.”

My interest in Psychology and transformation began in early years. As Lesser so well said in “Broken Open”, I was looking for “a kiss”. The first kiss from Spirit for me was my first session of Holotropic Breathwork – I was fourteen. I went deep inside myself and identified with my very first cell- a cell obtained as a result of the fusion of my father’s sperm and my mother’s egg. I witnessed my own appearance in my mother’s body! This experience was so weird that I began educate myself reading Grof’s books, and could find an explanation what happened to me at that very first session. In a while I felt an urge to join Grof Transpersonal Training because of two reasons. First, I wanted to explore more about roots of my behavior. And second, I wanted to learn how to be Holotropic breathwork facilitator and to share this transformative technique with the world. With this training, where I was attending many of breathworks during a few years while I was moving towards my certification, I stepped into the path which now I can call spiritual. Driving on the road of self-discovery, I began asking myself questions who I really am and what is purpose of my life? What I knew for sure at this point of my journey that there is no turning back. I have chosen to be reborn. It was not easy to realize that spiritual path is not a straight path among fragrant flowers but a winding road along the cliff, from which at any time you can fall.

This is my very personal story I decided to share. If you have any stories and mandalas about your Holotropic experience to share with the World and community of likeminded people, please send them here:, and they will appear in this Blog.

Truly Yours,
Yulia Meshoyrer


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